Bayern Market

We're back chicken lovers! After a brief recess, the experts have returned to the field to toss

out some new reviews. 

Entrenched deep in the rolling hills of Tel Aviv, Bayern Market hopes to achieve a monopoly

in the popcorn schnitz industry.  This German gem in the Sarona Market is surrounded by

a myriad of trendy eateries and all-around good vibes. Right off the bat, the meal is

served in a user-friendly red and white plaid paper bowl, laying down a base layer of

positive vibes. The bite size schnitz allows optimal breading along the surface area.

Like the titanic, the popcorn schnitz is engineered for greatness with a slight

hindrance… the juice. Unlike Chance the Rapper, these popcorn schnitz do

NOT have the juice. This gaggle of chicken is arranged and served in a

classic rugby scrum formation… the proper meal to gulf down just previous

of shredding the gnar. With a ratio analogous to a mega stuffed oreo, the

schnitz bitez soothe your jaw on the descent with a serene crispy-tender-crispy

combo. Unfortunate to many American travelers, this venue does not its due diligence

on the proper dipping options that go swimmingly with the shnitz family. No BBQ,

No honey mustard, Not even fermented bean curd! That’ll have to go into profoundly

profound reflection when cumming up with the final tallies. Top that off with a

cherry soda as cold as aardvark cum (absolutely frigid) and you’re ready to fuck

up some kadima. These popcorn shnitz served us well for our time in the

holy land and we toda Bayern Market for that<3.

Juiciness: 6

Tastiness: 6

Crisp: 8

B for b: 7

Appearance: 5

Score: 32

Chicken Supreme

A perfect spot to munch before or after attending the fanciest bowling alley in New Jersey, Chicken Supreme is located on River St in Hackensack, just blocks away from Bowler City. The tenders are warm and savory. The vibe is southern and inviting. Overall, it is a good time. Lots of people go here for their “famous” fried chicken but as tender enthusiasts, we despise bone. What’s the point of working for your food? I advise all of you to make fried chicken a thing of the past. Tenders are the future. Chicken Supreme is a splendid place to down your sorrows of yet another poor bowling tournament performance. Or celebrate if you do well, i guess. The tenders from this institution are not as juicy as advertised, kind of like Minute Maid’s “100% juice” claim. Like, c’mon. It can’t be 100%. The crispiness of the Chicken Supreme tender is not to be reckoned with as it tastes delicious and has a nice crunch. However the breading does leave a significant amount of grease on those hands, like a good NY slice of pizza. The color of the tenders is golden brown, very impressive for a firm that specializes in fried chicken. They are almost the color of a perfectly cooked buttermilk pancake. The consistency is average, like a 72 at Augusta National Golf Club. As for the price, you can attack 3 tenders for $4.99 or 6 for $7.99. I would like to put out there that Chicken Supreme’s sauces are muy deliciouso. Its honey mustard and bbq sauces are a one-two punch, like Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge.

Taste: 7

Crispiness: 7

Juiciness: 8

Appearance: 4

Bang for your Buck: 5

Score: 31

Monticello Casino and Raceway

Located in the food court of this New York state casino, you’ll find some of the worst tenders

out there. This should not be surprising at all as casinos are often in the news for scamming customers. But most of the time, the stories are about the results of the cards, slots, or roulette spins. In this case, it is different. The fraud at this establishment is when they trick you into purchasing their tenders at the food court that look quite delicious in the picture on the menu. DON’T LET THAT FOOL YOU! These tenders are not worth the barren space in your stomach. You’d be better off taking your $10 and putting it all on red. A disgrace to all tenders, it tastes, looks, smells, feels, and even sounds like nasty old men on roller skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth. Even after attempting to drench it in sauce, the finga de pollo ruined my appetite. There's more flavor and juice found in a cat’s litter box. Make sure to pick up your complimentary Monticello Casino and Raceway t-shirt and voucher and visit the blackjack tables instead of the food court.

Taste: 3

Crispiness: 4

Juiciness: 3

Appearance: 6

Bang for your Buck:2

Score: 18

Haworth Minit Mart

In the middle of the thriving metropolis of Haworth, NJ, this dive offers a wide range of fried

stomach fillers. For only $4.50, you can chow down on a basket of chicken tenders. Hot

out of the frya, these beautifully breaded tenders will consistently put you into a state of

euphoria. These tenders can be enjoyed anywhere from the bar top inside to the swings

that are just a pebble’s toss from the door. The quality of this chicken yields the perfect

amount of juice per square bite. The admirable flexibility of the tenders are as malleable

as Simone Biles when she does a Triple-McTwist® off the balance beam. Any expedition

to the Haworth Minit Mart won’t disappoint.

Taste: 7

Crispiness: 6

Juiciness: 8

Appearance: 7

Bang for your Buck: 7

Score: 35

Chick-n-Strips™ from Chick-fil-A ®

Starting off with a bang, the Chick-Fil-A® chicken strips are a favorite among

the chain’s fans. The tender is smooth into the mouth and down the

esophagus. They do come out hot so make sure you give them a minute to

fully appreciate the taste. Speaking of taste, not only are these chicken strips

salty and nicely breaded like the rest, but they have a distinct delicious taste

unique to Chick-fil-A ®. Whether you choose to dip it in one of their sauces is

your choice, however a plain old chicken strip will not disappoint as its flavor

will fill your mouth with a warm and fuzzy feeling. The impeccable consistency

of the chain’s product is also something worth noting. They will never overcook

nor poorly season the tender and leave you disappointed. Lastly, our favorite

plus about the Chick-n-Strips™ is that they are real chicken, not grounded up

yuckiness put into an irregular form.

Taste: 9

Crispiness: 7

Juiciness: 8

Appearance: 7

Bang for your Buck: 6

Score: 37

introduction to the tender experts

Hello everyone. Our names are Zack and Jon and we are the chicken tender experts.
We may be too old to order from the Kid’s menu, but that doesn’t mean that we have
to give up our love for the greatest food in the world. We share an extreme passion
for the tastiest, crispiest, and juiciest tenders in the world. We will try every tender until
we will have tasted them all. How will we be grading the tenders? Glad you asked. We
have a definitive ranking system. Each tender will be graded on five categories; taste,
crispiness, juiciness, appearance, and monetary value. Each category is out of 10
points, 10 being the best score. Therefore, a perfect tender on our scale will receive
a score of 50.

Have any suggestions of tenders for us to try? Let us know.